...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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