you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just had sex on a roof
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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