He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
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Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
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I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
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