shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
