I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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