I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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