OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
