Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
there is glitter all over my balls
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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