you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
