Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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