Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
