do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
