I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
