Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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