I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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