This is not my ceiling
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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