In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
