I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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