I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
