im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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