Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
