I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Randomize
