atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
