I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
