Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
