loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
