My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
