Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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