Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
