I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
