I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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