I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
