fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
