I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
