Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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