Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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