you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
