So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
