I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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