Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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