You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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