I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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