the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
