she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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