I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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