I will die if light touches me.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Randomize
