I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
