you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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