Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Randomize
