Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
