my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
