MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
