i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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