I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
