i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just gift wrapped bread.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
