He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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