Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
