Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He better not be in your backpack
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
