I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
