You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
