my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
