Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
