Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
